


Ifs, Butts, and Maybes

by EllieRose101



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Comedy, Drabble Collection, F/M, Season/Series 05, Season/Series 06, Season/Series 07
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-25
Updated: 2019-12-24
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:29:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 1,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21944386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EllieRose101/pseuds/EllieRose101
Summary: A set of fun little drabbles featuring slips of the tongue and comedic consequences.
Relationships: Spike/Buffy Summers
Comments: 1
Kudos: 24





	1. The Truth Laid Bare

Dutifully, the Scooby Gang rushed into Spike’s crypt, desperate for his help in finding Dawn. The girl had run away again – god knows over what, this time – and loath as they were to admit it, Spike’s ability to track her by scent was the best option they had in searching effectively.

Leading the party, Buffy made a beeline straight through the upper compartment of the crypt, then down into his private area – one the rest of them hadn’t even known existed.

Once down the ladder, they found the vampire standing right there, before them, a little… in the middle of things.

Again, Buffy barreled straight on, stating firmly that he needed to come with, right now, no questions asked.

The crypt was stony silent in response.

Then, after a beat, Tara let out a shriek and she and Willow both turned to face the wall. The Slayer looked around at them, her brow furrowed, then to Xander, who promptly snapped his jaw shut.

“Uh, Buffy…” he said.

Her hands went to her hips. “What? We don’t have time for this!”

“But he…” Xander swallowed. “Spike’s naked and… ugh!” his whole body shuddered, unable to finish his sentence.

“Yeah, and?” Buffy snapped. “It’s not like I haven’t seen _that_ before.”

This whole time, Spike hadn’t moved a muscle, but now he raised a single eyebrow. And it was that simple action that made Buffy’s brain click into place.

A hand went to her mouth, trying and failing to catch her gasp.

Xander tried to speak again, but Buffy’s hand then clenched, and she used it to point at him – a silent order not to dare.

Eyes transfixed to where Spike’s hand lay, curled around his still-hard prick, she said to Xander, “Save Dawn first, _then_ confessions.”

No one was gonna argue with her.


	2. Intervention

XANDER: Buffy, we need to talk. 

BUFFY (eyes wide): What's wrong? Is Dawn okay? 

WILLOW: Dawn's fine. 

XANDER: Buffy, we care about you, and we're worried about you. The way you're acting, the things you're doing–

ANYA: It's wrong. 

WILLOW: Wait. This shouldn't be about blame. 

BUFFY: Blame? There's blame now? 

WILLOW: No, there's only love. And... some fear. 

ANYA: Which is kind of thrown by the you having sex with Spike. 

BUFFY: The who whating how with huh? 

ANYA: Okay, that's denial. That usually comes before anger. 

BUFFY (angrily): _This_ is how to talk to me about having sex with Spike?

ANYA: Anger. 

XANDER: No one is judging you.

BUFFY: But–

XANDER: It's understandable.

BUFFY: Wait!

XANDER: Spike is strong and mysterious and sort of compact, but well-muscled. 

BUFFY: Will you just stop for a second?!

XANDER: Buffy, I saw you. Anya too.

ANYA: *much nodding*

BUFFY: Stop, okay? I admit it.

XANDER: We saw you and Spike...

BUFFY: *sighing* Yeah, I get it.

XANDER: *gestures vaguely* …with the straddling.

BUFFY: Gah, I get it already! I concede!

ANYA: Don’t try and deny it, missy! *waggles finger*

WILLOW: Wait, guys, I think she’s–

BUFFY: Oh, my god! Guys, I said I admit it.

XANDER: No, no. You can’t get out of it that easily.

BUFFY: I ADMIT IT!

XANDER: I know this isn’t easy, Buffy, but–

WILLOW: Xander–

XANDER: No, she needs to know we’re here, and that we’ll listen.

BUFFY: *throws up her hands and stomps out of the room*

XANDER (to Willow): Why can she never just be honest with us?

BUFFY: *comes back with a megaphone* I’M SLEEPING WITH SPIKE!

ANYA: …

XANDER: …

ANYA (to Xander): …she’s probably going to want to go rescue him, then. Don’t you think?

BUFFY (clutching forehead): He’s in danger? _AGAIN?_ *shakes head* I swear that vamp needs saved more often than a video game princess! *grabs coat* Let’s go.


	3. All The Way

“You can’t just go hanging around with vamps, Niblet!”

Crossing her arms, Dawn threw a brief glance in her sister’s direction before replying, “And why not?” Why was Spike even giving her this speech after Buffy and Giles had already lectured her, both separately and together, the previous night about her Halloween stunt?

“Because I said so!” Spike declared, throwing up his hands.

She tried to fight it, but a grin snuck across her face. “Because you said so? That’s, like, the lamest reason ever! It’s not even a reason, it’s just something people say when they want to say something but have nothing to say!”

“Dawn,” Buffy warned. “Please don’t tease my boyfriend.”

“And another thing–!” Spike began again. “Hey, wait a minute!” Forgetting about Dawn completely, he turned to face the Slayer, hope in his eyes. “Boyfriend?”

Dawn burst into a fit of giggles interspersed with lines from _‘Spike and Buffy, sittin’ in a tree.’_

Unable to look at Spike, Buffy focused on her sister, telling her to “stop right this minute.”

“Why?” asked Dawn, grinning even more, now.

“Yeah, why?” Spike chimed in.

“Because I said so!” Buffy declared, bolting up the stairs to her bedroom and slamming the door.


	4. Tabula Rasa

Once finished being horrified at the realization that he was English, Randy took a step towards Giles, looking him up and down.

“You don't suppose you and I... we're not related, are we?

“There is a ruggedly handsome resemblance,” Anya provided, causing Giles to smile at her, in earnest.

To Randy he said, “And you do inspire a, um... particular feeling of... familiarity and… disappointment?”

A scowl on his face, Randy took another step, and another look, but said nothing.

“Older brother?” Giles suggested, then.

Randy shook his head, scoffing. “Father. Oh, god, how I must hate you."

Outraged, Giles blustered, “What did I do?”

“There's always something, and what's with the trollop?” he indicated Anya, then stared right past her, suddenly distracted. He could fight with the old man any time he wanted but, right now, the petite blonde was drawing all his attention.

Giving her what he hoped was a seductive smirk, Randy ignored his dad’s bit on the side, side-stepping the both of them, and making his approach on Joan. “You don’t suppose you and I…” he began again.

Joan gave him a look that he couldn’t quite interpret but, undeterred, he barreled on with the rest of his question. “We’re not a couple, are we?”

“Obviously we’re a couple,” she told him, hands on hips. _How could he be so dumb to even question it?_

“There is a deep sense of sexual tension and chemistry between both of you,” Anya affirmed, cheerily, all insult clearly forgotten in favor of matchmaking.

By the time the spell ended, Buffy could no longer deny her primal connection with Spike, straddling his waist as she had been, when she came to.

She’d spent the most of the evening trying to convince Giles just how great of a daughter-in-law she could be.


	5. Chosen

Angel and Buffy walked out into the graveyard, the Slayer leading the way. She did _not_ want to have this conversation, but Angel just wasn’t gonna drop it.

“Is it Spike?” he pressed, causing her to stop and face him. “You're not telling me something. And his scent… I remember it pretty well.”

“You vampires. Did anybody ever tell you the whole smelling people thing's a little gross?” she deflected, hoping against hope he would take a hint.

“Is he your boyfriend?”

Buffy sighed. _I guess hope’s in short supply. Bodes well for the apocalypse…_ Clenching her hands into fists, she took a deep breath. “Is that your business?”

There was a small creaking sound above them, and she became momentarily distracted, trying to figure out what it was. Angel wouldn’t grant her that moment, however.

“You in love with him?” he asked, drawing her attention back to him.

Part of Buffy wanted the noise to be nothing, so she could get back to her house as quickly as possible, but a small part of her also wished Caleb would rise again just to cut the conversation short. She could ignore the sounds of the night, but she couldn’t ignore Angel, who was still looking expectant.

“Well?”

“Gahh!” she couldn’t take it any more. “Yes! Okay? I love him, alright?!”

Angel blinked, once, twice, then exclaimed a hearty, “Bloody hell!”

Literally taken aback a step, Buffy questioned, “Did you just–?” but was cut off by the sound of a certain bleach-blonde vampire falling out of the tree beside them to land an inch from where her feet had just been.

Now looking between the two of them, Buffy’s question became, “Did he just–?”

Spike smirked up at her – dazed, but happy.

Finally, eyes going wider-than-wide, that Slayer’s brain finally processed what traitorous little word had passed her lips without her consent.

“Did I just–? Oh my god!”

She needed to sit down.


	6. Alternative Dialogue

**Fool For Love**

Drusilla: “You're in love with Buffy!”

Spike: *looks contemplative for a moment, before giving a brief nod*

Spike: “Well, duh. What's your point?”

\---

**Internal Conversations – Part 1**

Spike: I'm gonna kill her.

Spike: I'll be free.

Spike: Oh, damn, she's hurting.

Spike: Gotta find a way to help.

Spike: Why doesn't she love me?

\---

**End of Days**

Spike: *enters house and spots Buffy*

Spike: *smiles* "Honey, you're home."

Buffy: *approaches, coyly*

Buffy: *smiles back* "So are you."

Spike: *visibly touched by the implication*

Buffy: *kisses Spike on his pretty mouth*

Spike: *enjoys cookies*

Angel: *never shows up*

\---

**Internal Conversations – Part 2**

Buffy: I've got to kill him.

Buffy: He drives me so crazy.

Buffy: I can't go on like this.

Buffy: Damn, why did he have to be sweet?

Buffy: Okay, cool, he ruined it with his stupid words.

Buffy: I can do this. I can get rid of him.

Buffy: Crap, I need his help.

Buffy: Why does he put up with me?


End file.
